"I'm Too Tired!" What To Do When Sex Feels Like a Chore

Sometimes life gets busy, really busy. Sometimes you fall into your bed at the end of the day and the thought of doing anything else makes you feel physically ill. We’ve all been there. On those days maybe what we really need is a peck on the cheek, a little snuggle perhaps, and a good night’s sleep. However, when the pattern starts to repeat, and every night you are rebuffing your partner, or perhaps both of you are turning away from each other in exhaustion, the quality of your relationship may start to decline. When you are at the point when sex is a chore, something you do out of obligation, expectation, or habit, you are not embodying your potential for passion and pleasure.

Many relationships fall into a sexual rut at some point or another. The newness wears off, the reality of life and obligations get in the way. The small idiosyncrasies of your partner you could once overlook, or even found endearing now grate you like sandpaper. Many people would say this is the reality of a long term relationship, and yet I challenge you to question this programming. What if our relationships could be full of meaning, passion, and connection, regardless of the years we’ve spent together?

Sex does not exist as an isolated physical act and yet we often treat it that way. The expectation that you could immediately be in the mood for sex with little emotional, mental, or even spiritual buildup is a pitfall that affects many couples. If sex is feeling like a chore on the to do list of your relationship, I urge you to take a step back and look at the greater picture.

When was the last time you had a deep, meaningful, and interesting conversation with your spouse? I implore you to try. Talk about something that you are passionate about, allow your partner to talk about something they are passionate about and listen to them. Engage with them on a mental level without forcing it to be sexual in any way. The key here is for each partner to give the other the space and acceptance to feel impassioned.

Next, clear any emotions that may be interfering in your relationship. Are you mad at your partner that they don’t ask you how your day was when they get home? Or do you feel under appreciated at work or frustrated that you don’t have time for a hobby you once loved? Bring it up. Share with your partner, problem solve with them, make sure you are on the same team in issues that affect you collectively as well as individuals.

If your problem is physical exhaustion and does not improve by deeper connection with your partner mentally and emotionally, then it’s time to look at how you are caring for your body. Working for years as a health coach, I know firsthand the importance of proper nutrition; it impacts everything, including our sex lives. If you are not eating foods that nourish you on a cellular level, you are at risk for exhaustion and other health concerns. Eat foods that give you energy - and I’m not talking about sugar and caffeine. Drink plenty of water and find activities that make you enjoy moving your body. I absolutely count sex as cardio, by the way, and hands down it is my favorite form of exercise (extra points for positions that include strength training)! How we treat our bodies and how we feel about them plays a big part in our desire to engage sexually. Make sure your relationship with your own body is a loving one.

You may be thinking, this seems like a lot of effort to put in just to be having more sex. Here’s the thing: go back over the suggestions. Imagine how every area of your life could be improved by implementing these elements. That’s the thing about sex, that’s why I’m so passionate about talking about it and working with individuals and couples to help them empower themselves sexually. Not only will they be having more intense and satisfying sex, but they will also be building the life they desire.

If you are looking for a deeper connection and more exciting sex in your relationship, individualized coaching on the specific needs of your relationship can be addressed through individualized sex coaching