“I flow like a river or maybe just a stream, I fill in your cracks I become just what you need.
It never occurs to me how you could complete me, only how I could surround you so you'd never leave me.”
Excerpt from The Love of a Man by Alicia Stiles
Codependency plagued many of my relationships for years, especially with men. For those of you who are not familiar with codependency, it is marked by emotional dependency on another person, often leading to emotionally destructive and/or abusive relationships. When I would begin a relationship, my primary concern was how to ensure that person liked me. Deciding if or how much I liked someone was an afterthought, if a thought at all. I did this because I did not feel worthy of love, not really. This wasn’t a logical thought; it was something deeper and more primitive. I looked towards romantic relationships to fill the gap inside of me, something that is both ineffective and damaging.
After my second divorce at only 31 I realized I had to change, really change. This was no longer the way I wanted to operate my life. The last year and a half have been an emotional boot camp for me which has included establishing my independence, filling up my heart from within, centering myself, trusting my voice, and standing in my truth. Every obstacle I’ve encountered has brought me more in line with my authentic self.
I have approached this healing from multiple angles: therapy, journal and poetry writing, active meditation and energy readings. All these methods allowed me to look at myself from all sides, no rock left unearthed. Active meditation allowed me to connect with my inner truth in a deep and profound way. It created the pathway to open up in therapy, to write honestly, and to trust my intuition. When we say active meditation will change your life, it’s not because it is a quick or easy fix. Honestly, it’s anything but! The simplicity of the tools stand as a sharp contrast to the prolific effects that follow.
This week as we talk about standing in your truth, I am reminded that it is impossible to stand in your truth unless you really know what that truth is. I spent a lot of my life not knowing. I thought I was being authentic, my desires led me to believe that I was pursuing the right path and yet it wasn’t until I tore down all the walls that I realized I hadn’t even tapped into that truth, until now.
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